All Hail UCLA

Dear Police Chief Ross and Acting Chancellor Abrams:

I am disappointed to learn that you have decided to have an independent investigation of the incident in your Powell Library.

Clearly the Police were correct in demanding immediate obedience from the younger more ignorant and disrespectful generation. The fact that Mr. Tabatabainejad did not immediately leave the building upon seeing the police nearby speaks volume of his insolence. I cannot help but notice that he has a strange last name and must, therefore, be use to extra scrutiny and occasional tasering.

I would suggest that you need to instill a culture of fear among the students on your campus—perhaps portraits of Dear President George W. Bush and Dear Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger should be placed in each classroom and office to help remind the youth that unquestioning respect of leaders is required. This can be reinforced with the Pledge of Allegiance recited at the start of each and every class on campus.

In the good old days, the border guards of the Deutsche Demokratische Republik were rewarded with vacations and extra pay for preventing their fellow citizens from escaping to the faux-luxury of Bundesrepublik Deutschland. This is a tradition that can be kept alive at UCLA: Reward your officers for taser use—a paid vacation to Hawaii or Cancun would be sure to give them a proper incentive.

Yours with George W. Bush,

Adam Lederer