May 2007


Wide, Wide World

After returning from South Africa, I noticed a new sign in my apartment building lobby here in Weimar—something about digital satellite television!

It only took a week and a half, but today I got a colleague who adores all things electronic to go with me and pick up two new satellite decoders for the televisions in the flat. For a not unreasonable sum, we left the store and headed to the flat where we quickly installed the first one in the master bedroom.

In the master bedroom we installed a “pay-tv ready” box that got 62 channels—which seemed a bit light, but what did we know. The box wanted to check out two other satellites that the house does not receive.

We headed into the living room and installed the second box—a slightly different model (one that will never be able to get pay-tv) and turned it on. Right away we noticed a difference. This box asked us if we wanted to see the erotic channels—my colleague and I, figuring it would be innocent late-night erotica that shows up on the German channels decided to let it on. Fifteen minutes later after having gone through the first 587 channels, we landed on a channel with a girl.

Now this girl was completely naked, her legs spread wider than a professional gymnast doing the splits, and her wrist barely showing.

Obviously this channel was featuring something that I feel is unnatural and completely wrong, but something one of my “hetro”-friends (currently in Austria) would appreciate in all its glory. That said, my colleague was also disturbed and suggested that this young lady really needed to see the doctor to help extricate her hand from that pink area between her legs.

Needless to say, mindful of the fact that a horny 16 year old boy, a 12 year old, and an 8 year old will soon be living in my flat, I went back and turned off access to the erotic channels.

We also went back to the master bedroom and figured out how to get the 587 channels before the poor young lass, and not just the first 62.

13 comments to Wide, Wide World

  • J

    I don’t know the difference between regular tv, Digital tv and high definition tv. Is there really a big one?

  • Reko

    It is interesting to note that this occurred in WEIMAR.

  • Regular satellite tv is like analogue channels in the US–it’s sent in a way that all you have to do is point your antenna (satellite) in the direction of the signal and you can see the picture.

    Digital satellite tv comes the same way except the pictures are digitally so you need to decode the picture before you can see it — it’s a way of conserving space on a satellite since analogue signals take up a lot more space.

    HD-TV is a type of digital channel that sends a whole lot more information resulting in a much clearer picture. However in order to actually see the clearer picture, one needs a television designed to view the signals.

    This is a basic interpretation, you’d do better to ask a real expert on the subject 🙂

  • It seems you had a chance to be a hero to the 16, 12, and 8 year olds.

    When I balance that against the wrath of the 40-something parents I think you made the right decision considering their finding those channels on when they arrived might mean the end of your stay in Germany.

  • Reko

    It seems to me that the woman in the video was trying to locate her G-spot. According to Sue Johanson, well known Canadian sexpert and host of “Talk Sex with Sue” this is a way for many women to achieve particularly satisfying sexual pleasure. This might have been useful information for both the kids and their parents. What’s next? Censoring The TeleTubbies, because Tinky Winky might be gay?

  • disenchanted

    Too bad you couldn’t record that and bring it to the States for the Coach. You’d have been his hero. (snicker)

  • @CQ: personally liberal, communially conservative–that’s me

    @Reko: I think the Teletubbies ought to be censored because they are stupid.

    @disenchanted: Coach will just have to be disappointed.

  • disenchanted

    LOL. Well, he has learned to live with disappointment. 🙂 Although, I wonder if he’d even watch it, seeing how he has that nifty morality clause in his teaching contract. (SNORT)

  • maybe something can be arranged.

  • B.

    Hey, we have digital tv and I have yet to come across a woman fisting herself. I feel robbed! lol

  • I should have called this post “Wide Wide Girl”

    Bad Me.

  • Liz


    I have no idea how I found your blog, but I find your comments on Germany interesting. I also about fell off my chair when I saw that you attended the University of Wyoming. That made me laugh. I am currently a PhD student in Laramie, knew Matthew Shepherd (teary subject), and have spent a number of years in Germany myself. You have a nice way of describing Germany, and I enjoyed some of your insights. Being an expat is an interesting form of existance, but for now I am back in the alien land of Wyoming – even stranger than being an expat in Germany.

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