Adam & …

I’d realized from the time I first thought about my trip to Cincinnati that it was going to be a surreal experience. Other than the airport (yea Delta!), I’ve never given much thought to the city—and why would I? Larry Flint, of Hustler fame, had trouble selling his magazine there; Roger Mapplethorpe’s photos were banned; and the city worships Pete Rose, a more than slightly demented weirdo (sorry Ed).

It’s just never crossed my mind to visit the city, until the Creation Museum opened.

So, yes, the principal reason for my visit to Cincinnati was to learn how the earth was created in 6 days about 6,000 years ago.

Let’s just say that the museum stood in stark contrast to my time at the Cradle of Humankind on the outskirts of Jo’burg where they have unearthed a 3.3 million year old skeleton. If said skeleton were discovered on the grounds of the Creation Museum, undoubtedly we would be told that the skeleton was buried during the great Noah floods, which are responsible for the creation of the layers of sediment we see when entering the Grand Canyon (which, by the way, one actually enters while touring the Creation Museum).

I wasn’t really at the Creation Museum to learn about Creation: I get the basic story. God created the heavens and earth in six days, populated the waters, the air, and the land, and then got around to resting on the seventh day. I was actually at the Creation Museum to get my photo taken in the Garden of Eden, whilst munching an apple.

I am that kind of a sick puppy.

However, before one gets to the Garden of Eden, one must suffer. Elizabeth and I suffered a lot: we suffered 30 minutes in line to buy tickets; we suffered 45 minutes in line to watch the thrilling “Men in White” movie; and we suffered in line from the second we started looking at the exhibits to the time we could escape—the ticket taker said it would take us about 2 and a half hours to see the museum—we managed to get through in about an hour and a half—much of the hour we saved was cutting in line at strategic points.

“Men in White” was a thrilling movie featuring Wendy, the questioning animatronic-teenager who wasn’t certain which was right: Creationism or Evolutionism. Before the film started a museum docent thanked us for coming to the museum and said that the film was a satire and would probably remind us of our school days. From there it was a vibrating/rocking and wet good time.

Yes, the chairs vibrated whenever it was “appropriate” to the action on the screen. The vibrating chairs left me with two equally horrible thoughts. First, the aquarium on the Ohio River could seriously learn from the Creation Museum on putting together a “scary” shark tank (our second stop in Cincy was the aquarium); and secondly: whoever installed the vibrating seats must have spent some time down at the pay-by-the-hour No-tell Motel cause the chairs really moved and could give quite the thrill.

Not to mention the fact that when it came time for the flood, we were misted with water to help us understand that because we were not on the ark, we were going to drown and die.

God is one wrathful bitch.

Now I have to admit that I learned a lot from my time at the Creation Museum. For example, I did not know that poison venom from frogs was not actually poisonous until after Adam ate the apple and was kicked out of paradise. Only then did the frog’s venom kill (and presumably, only then could the frog actually eat; but as Elizabeth pointed out, the Tyrannosaurs-Rex was a vegetarian before Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden).

Oooops, and I just alluded to something else learned at the Creation Museum: Dinosaurs were wandering around the earth with Adam in those early days. In fact, in the Creation Museum there are a lot of dinosaurs. One wonders if the heavy emphasis on dinos was because dinos really wandered the earth with Adam or if because little kids automatically love dinos and having so many dinos around might cause them to believe in creationism.

Elizabeth and I suffered a lot—although, as you have already probably noticed, I did get a picture of me, in the Garden of Eden, eating an apple. Unfortunately I had neither an Eve nor a Steve (that ought to scare the fundies right there) with me, so I am alone munching on the apple in the Garden.

Immediately after eating the apple I went through the Cave of Sorrows—visiting all the evils of mankind.

The tour ended with tickets to see “The Last Adam”—a film about Jesus—after which we were funneled up a set of stairs directly into the museum’s gift shop, Dragon Hall Bookstore. Why they didn’t just name it Diagon Alley and be done with it, I’ll never know. To keep the kids entertained there is an enormous picture of a man slaying a dragon in the shop.

After our suffering was over (the entire museum was packed to the gills: it wouldn’t surprise me if it was in violation of the secular fire code in some parts), Elizabeth got a free soda and I bought a bottle of “Believe” water.

It was a great trip to Cincinnati, but I don’t think I’ll be returning any time soon. I’m not that big a masochist.