May 2009


Five Against One

I seriously believed that I could pull it off—but as I was squeezing the tube of toothpaste it occurred to me that just maybe it was time again for another one-man show.

Yes, it’s May again.

Time to buff the wood, shake hands with shorty, and wind the jack-in-the-box. So as I was pondering this, I peeled the banana, made yogurt, and slammed the salami, I reveled in the fact that May is the one month a year that that one can celebrate, nay revel in, assaulting a friendly-weapon and cobra charming, all while punishing the bishop.

All too often people don’t cuff the puppy, clean their rifle, or spread the mayo, and in doing so become uptight citizens. Sloppy Joe’s Last Stand demands better: you can snap your carrot, fondle the fig, or perform a flute solo without shame—relax and bate your hook in preparation for pole polishing and stirring the soup.

Unless of course, you can’t, in which case it’s alright with me if you dig a trench, air the orchard, or do the two finger taco tango—just don’t ask me to help with the spelunking, three point shot, or pushing the button. I don’t know about that crazy stuff.

Regardless, I’m a big advocate of May, it’s just that I missed walking the dog and taming the wild hog event in San Francisco—it was on the 2nd. That said, I couldn’t toss the turkey for 9 hours and 58 minutes like Mr. Masanobu Sato—my arms get tired after 10 or 15 minutes of shaking the governor’s hand, and at best, i can do only a foot, not Mr. Flint Greasewood’s record 5’4”!

Happy Masturbation Month, 2009.

Info on 2 May

5 comments to Five Against One

  • A truly impressive post. It is, indeed, difficult to think of any you left out. Two Australian favourites, perhaps: waxing the dolphin and choking the chicken. And of course, enjoying an evening with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters.

    The Japanese can go on for hours. Trust me.

  • Ed

    So this month we can pump the one eyed snake with abandon and revel in the glory of making the mudpuppy vomit. Super!

  • Gee, that Japanese guy has nothing on me. I could go at least 10:30.

    I’m close enough now, let me know when the event is being held next year! Perhaps I can set the new record?

    Oh, the city by the bay was lovely today! 95F degrees inland, 69 in San Francisco. 😉 Gawd I miss living in that town…

  • Woodcutters and builders of Canada are known to flog the log and stucco the ceiling. 🙂

  • Leah

    Femalewise, you forgot to flick the bean.