A Rant About Online Gay Dating Sites

I think it’s safe to say that I don’t mind being single.

Sure, it would be nice to have a man in my life, but I don’t and I don’t see any prospects for one in the near future (unless the store clerk walks into my life, but I think the odds of that are slim to none).

However, I am passively looking and I do have profiles up on two of Germany’s more popular gay slutty hook-up dating websites. On my profile I have photos, stats, interests, a brief bullshit bit, and have answered whatever questions they pose honestly—even the one about age (yes, 19 year old faggots, you do turn 30 one day; then you turn 35).

Which brings me to a point of annoyance: Why do guys who are interested in me lack photos and filled out profiles?

Take Case #1, who sent me a note via one of the gay dating websites—so before reading his email, I checked out his photo-less profile. The only thing his profile indicates, other than the fact that he is in his mid-30s, lives in Erfurt, is gay, and a Pisces (whatever that tells me), is a brief greeting: “zunächst viele grüsse”. Beyond that not a single bit of his profile is filled in. No hobbies, no interests, no details that give me a clue.

And his note to me, even less illuminating:

hi

It’s neither capitalized nor punctuated as it tells me nothing about him. What does he want? What does he do? What does he want to do? Why should I be interested?

There’s been no reply, so far, to my even shorter response:

?

In Case #2, a slightly overweight (but not unreasonably so), fortysome bisexual, partnered guy wrote to me—again, lacking a photo, but at least a one line note in his profile, which after translation loosely says, “I would like new experiences; let me learn from you”. His first note to me correctly pointed out that my listed work in my profile was probably wrong (I corrected the mistake and thanked him) with the immediate follow up (in the same sentence):

bist du besuchbar?

are you visitable?

Of course I am! People visit me all the time—but given that this is a gay dating service, I doubt you want to come over for dinner—and given the fact that your profile has not photo and minimal stats, how do I know that I’ll even be remotely interested in you. What if you’re a smoker? How do I know this if it’s not in your profile? There’s incomplete information here and until I have more information, the answer is going to be “No”, even as others stop by for coffee and cake.

Finally, another Scopio who’s about to be dead in gay years, left a cute “I want you” indicator on my profile—and by want you, the indicator suggested that he wanted more than my brain. Nice, and his profile is actually a tiny bit more filled out, although, again, he lacks a photograph and enough details for me to really decide whether or not I’m actually interested. I left an indicator that suggested I was willing to listen.

First unedited email contact:

hast du jetzt lust

It’s not a literal translation, but I would translate this as saying, “Are you horny right now?”—or in blunter gay speak, “Let’s fuck.”

Seriously, this is not the way to woo me. I’ll admit that I do sometimes think with my penis, but I’ve never dropped everything I was doing to run off and take care of my urges immediately. There’s always some amount of flirtation involved—even online. There’s got to be information exchange—I like knowing that the people I meet are sane and not incompatible.

Meanwhile I think I’ll be a monk this month—the truth is that I have three Herren Dezember (German experts: how do I make it “Mr. Decembers”?)  to watch over me (in calendar form)—and all three are, to use a German word, geil.