February 2010


My Apology to You, the Blog Reader.

Hello. And thank you for reading this post.

Many of you reading are my friends. Many of you reading this know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.

I want to say to each of you, simply, and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to Pseudo Wife, and our future children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

Pseudo Wife and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As she pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words. It will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss. However, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us, plus Real Husband, so really the three of us.

Wow, way to throw your infidelity in my face! & I am pretty sure that is misogynistic. Disgusting. (Angry Pseudo Wife)

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you reading this. I have let you down. I have let down all my readers. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work with me, I have let you down, personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry all of you.

Rolling out the dough.

To everyone involved in cooking dinner with me last night, I promise I will never pose for a photo like that again. I really did do nothing wrong while rolling out Naan—it was just a photo I posed for. Nothing actually happened. Nobody was hurt, not students in Southern California nor anybody in DC. I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

But, still, I know I have severely disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry. But I have nothing to atone for.

But there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Pseudo Wife somehow hurt or attacked me. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She has never hit me. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our pseudo marriage. Ever.

Pseudo Wife has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. She deserves praise, not blame. The issue involved here is my repeated irresponsible behavior. I am unfaithful. I have affairs. I cheat. What I do is not acceptable to traditional society.

I knew my actions were wrong. But the Naan was so good. I convinced myself that the normal cooking rules didn’t apply and that I could make an entire meal from scratch with the help of my friends. But I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a faux married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my Pseudo Wife, our future kids, her Real Husband, all my pseudo-in laws, my friends, and fellow bloggers all around the world who admired me.

I’ve had a day to think about what I did. My failures make me look at myself in a way I did before. It is now up to me to make amends. And that starts by repeating the mistakes I made but without cameras present. It is up to me to start living a life of hidden pleasures and public integrity.

I once heard — and I believe it is true — it’s not what you achieve in life that matters, it is what you overcome. Achievements in blogging are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count. Naïve people used to point to me as a role model. These people are suckers and while I’m sorry this false idolatry must end, I’m not sorry for what I didn’t do.

It is hard to admit that I need help. But I do. For 45 minutes, between 8:30 and 9:15 this morning, I received guidance for the issues I’m facing. I have a long way to go. But I’ve taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand other bloggers want to ask me for the details of the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Pseudo Wife and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between my Pseudo Wife, her Real Husband and me. These are issues in a threesome.

Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false. This crap comes out of my fingers unaided, unless I am satirizing another person’s public apology, in which case I make minor edits.

Some have written things about our family. Despite the damage I caused, I still believe it is right to shield my pseudo family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things. I did. I have always tried to maintain a private space for Pseudo Wife and our future children. They are separate from my blogging, my fantasy life, and when my children are born, we will release photographs so that Bild will not chase us.

However, my behavior doesn’t make it right for other bloggers to follow Pseudo Wife’s Real Husband to school and report the school’s location. Other bloggers have staked out my wife and pursued my pets. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my Pseudo Wife and future kids alone.

I recognize I brought this on myself. And I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my pseudo family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That is where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do. And I intend to dedicate myself to doing it.

Part of following this path for me is being an atheist, which I realized at a young age made the most sense for me. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised an atheist, although I had extensive exposure to Judaism. I’ve actively practiced my non-faith throughout childhood and all of my adult life. I would characterize last night’s behavior as entirely acceptable in an atheistic life. Obviously, I have not lost track of what I was taught.

As I move forward, I will continue to deny having a problem because I guess that is how people change. Starting right now I will continue my approach to this problem.

Without therapy, I have learned that my lack of spiritual life is perfectly in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me: making Naan and my future children.

I do plan to return to making Naan one day. I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the stove.

Overnight, I received no e-mails, letters or phone calls from people expressing good wishes. Your lack of encouragement means the world to Pseudo Wife and me.

Finally, there are many people reading this who believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your hearts to believe that I never actually touched Chica where the hand prints are located.


Better than restaurant quality.

6 comments to My Apology to You, the Blog Reader.