May 2010


Happy Männer Tag & boy isn’t ignorance bliss!

Today is, as Germans formally call it, Christ travels to heaven day, which turns into Men’s Day, the day that German males wheel cases of beer into the forest, drinking the beer as fast as they can and getting trashed as quickly as possible.

It is a little known fact, but 97% of the men pulling wagons of beer into the forest do not get more than 200 meters from the parking lot before they are completely trashed and piss under a waiting tree. 95% of the men never make it more than 500 meters from the edge of the forest because they get lost and sit down to dry out.

Anyhow, that aside, I need to confess my ignorance. Hopefully I will not regret it, so I am going to make a very clear statement right here: I do not want to be converted.

Thank you.

Moving on: last month I visited my family for a short weekend—Easter Weekend, to be specific, where upon my Mom, Dad, and I had one of those strange conversations that only we could have centered on Christianity and what happened when.

I guessed that Easter Sunday was the day Christ was crucified and my mother swore that was the day he went to heaven. She also said that he was crucified on Good Friday, which, to me, made no sense at all: why would you call the day that somebody was crucified a “good” day? It’s the ultimate in sarcastic gallows humor.

I knew she was wrong and that Christ went to heaven today, Ascension—but I only knew this fact because I live in Germany where Christ travels to heaven day is a legal holiday that has been co-opted by men who want to drink beer in the forest while pulling a wagon.

When I reminded my mother of this holiday in Germany she thought that this was the day that Mary went to heaven—but I pointed out that Mary wasn’t crucified (nor was she a virgin, but that’s a different issue) and so why would she have a special day to go to heaven. I found out later that Mary does actually go to heaven and that there is a “Mary travels to heaven day” on the German calendar.

Ultimately we agreed that Christ was crucified on “Good” Friday and that he traveled to heaven on Christ travels to heaven day, which left us wondering, what exactly happens on Easter?

I’ve been informed, by reliable sources, that this is the day that Christ vanished from his… and here I’m not really clear… grave? But that he didn’t actually travel to heaven that day, he was seen around town, which suggests that either the crucifixion wasn’t really finished or that a lot of people were smoking something.

And then I remember that the Mormons (two missionaries of which I avoided yesterday), claim that Christ went to North America, sometime between when he was crucified and when he traveled to heaven, and told the native Americans about himself, which, later, turns into the Church of Latter Day Saints, or something like that.

Ultimately I’m confused, but I don’t actually care to clear up the mess. I’m happily atheistic and have no strong desire to actually understand the Christian story.

I just thought I’d share this before I head down to a bar and have a drink.

I forgot to buy beer yesterday.

10 comments to Happy Männer Tag & boy isn’t ignorance bliss!

  • disenchanted

    Easter – Christ rises from the Dead after three days. I don’t know when he actually went to heaven.

  • mateo

    I thought Easter was the Easter Bunny’s birthday.

  • koko

    I thought it was Zombie Jebus day…and scary bunny day. I never figured out how they went together….

  • Anon

    How do you feel about other religions?

  • Jul

    First off, it’s only Männertag in the East. Here in Bavaria it’s vaguely Father’s Day, but mostly Jesus Drives to Heaven Day. And Shitloads of Christians Sing on the Subway Day. But that’s because of the conference we’re, um, hosting.

    Secondly, it’s ‘good’ as in ‘good riddance.’ Oder?

  • Ted

    Psalm 53 verse 1. As a faithful believer in christ let me attempt to explain but the ways of God are hidden to the wise and prudent and revealed unto babes. Jesus was crucified on Good Friday as predicted by David in psalms 22. It is good because he bled and died to pay the price for our sins so we can go to be with him. Our own sinful flesh is not worthy of heaven but his blood covers all of our sins and makes us worthy through him. Without the shedding of blood there is no remission for sins. He did go to heaven on Easter sunday but returned (He told Mary Magdalene, “touch me not for I have not yet ascended to my father, but go and tell the disciples that I am risen from the dead,” Jesus did not go to North America but he did go down to the edge of Hell and brought those saints who had believed in God to heaven. As Job said, “He will not leave my soul in Hell,” Jesus said, “Abraham rejoiced to see my day,” The spirtual leaders of the day were perplexed, “you are not yet 50 years old and Abraham has been dead over 500 years and have you seen him?” Jesus said, “God is not the god of the dead but of the living, all live unto Christ,” Abraham rejoiced because now after Jesus conquered death he could finally go to be with God in heaven. Jesus said, “no man comes to the Father except through me.” People do not want to hear about Jesus because, “the god of this world (the Devil) has blinded their eyes and stopped up their ears lest they hear and believe the holy word of God.” Isn’t it strange that we would love to hear about Buddha and the Dalai Lama and Jseph Smith but not the true God of heaven and earth? One final word from Jesus: “Narrow is the way that leads to heaven and few there be that find it, wide is the way that leads to hell and many will go in there.” When you stand before God in the judgement you can’t say you were never told. Rev. Ted

  • mateo – perhaps it is. I wonder how the bunny got the job.

    koko – who knows…

    Anon – I don’t really feel for any. I know enough about Christianity to make a mess of it. I can do the same with some Jewish holidays. I know even less about Muslim holidays. From there I know appallingly little other religions. I’ve never really found any of them interesting.

    Jul – your definition of good fits.

    Ted – I don’t want to really know too much about any of them; and I might note that some might dispute that the God you think is true is the true one. Wars happen over this. Crusades even.

  • Anon

    I’ll accept that. Thanks for the response.

  • Poor Ted. He really believes all that crap. Obviously, you guys didn’t have Bible, or a computer, handy or you could have simply looked up the answers.