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April 2021
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If I Masturbated…

If I masturbated, I would be sure to masturbate on December 22—as a part of the First Annual Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace.

I know that in the past I’ve encouraged participation in the War on Masturbation, as well as previous May Masturbation Months in 2004 and 2005. I just keep on encouraging it because there are few negative consequences—certainly few get pregnant from masturbation, and the transmission of nasty diseases are reduced.

However, in light of OJ Simpson’s recent non-confessional confession I am here to say that I have never masturbated in my life: no chickens choked, no kittens killed, and no ex’s offed.

But were I to masturbate on December 22nd, I would probably do it in the morning, before getting out of bed… luxuriating in the long rest that I had just completed, contemplating the shower that will follow. If I do, I will probably take my time and dream about Tom Coverdale with his incredibly cute smile and fiery red hair. If I were to masturbate, I would dream about the perfect kiss, meeting his parents, and getting married in Canada.

But of course, I have never masturbated; nor will I start on December 22nd.

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